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We might have ruined your lunch! Soz! Don’t be a small person racist!

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There is a community group page on Facebook that I follow for my local area. Today as I innocently browsed their post and comments I saw something that made me irrationally peeved off. A woman was complaining about a local bar / restaurant in our area. The gist of the complaint was that the place […]

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Hell is a child friendly caravan park holiday – NOT a review. Part 3. Soft Play Satanic Pit

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I trust you are up to date with part 1 and part 2 – so I’ll begin, We are back in the old caravan; My mother, partner and toddler. I look at how many hours it is until toddler nap time. Quite a few. I put on CBeebies. Mother sits in the corner reading her […]

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Hell is a child friendly caravan park holiday – NOT a review. Part 2 (The Swim)

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I trust you have read part 1 so I’ll begin… The best time to try out that swimming pool we saw in the lovely promotional video is surely when it opens at 9.30am. Right? Because everyone else here will be either in bed, eating at the breakfast buffet, hungover or just out for the day on […]

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An open ‘Shit I’m sorry (apology)’ to parents everywhere : I thought my child would be different

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I thought there were no shit children – only shite parents. I thought it was your fault. I thought being a parent was easy peasy and I would be amazing at it. I couldn’t understand why anyone would moan. I thought Stay at home parents had it the easiest. I imagined you all there, sipping tea […]

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Call the Exorcist… he’s two and he’s pissed off about it!

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A Demon has invaded our Bambi like son and left that thing off Child’s Play, or one of those wet gremlins, or that thing out of Alien, or that Damien kid – behind. Demon Take-over Toddler Timeline (yesterday): 4am: Demon invades son. Son starts hollering down the stairs that he has been possessed. 4.15am: I […]

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Say something, I’m giving up on you – When your toddler won’t talk

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Our two year old doesn’t speak. That is to say – he makes noises by the bucketload (wonderful loud ear-blasting noises) – but no real words. We are all (the parent and grandparent committee) sure there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about at all. My partner comes home every day with […]

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The Grandparent – Toddler Handover Notes : What grandparents say when they return Toddler

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Usual Disclaimer: Gee…I sure am lucky to live so near to my parents! We are so lucky my son has his grandparents in his life. I sure don’t know what we would do without them. But I could do without the handover notes.  Which usually go a bit like this. Toddler is thrust back into […]

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What Happens, with a toddler, before 7.20am : The Nappy disaster

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In a B&B room, up on the eighth floor (with no lift), on the top of a cliff in Scarborough (Trip Advisor didn’t mention the cliff!), a toddler awakes from his slumber on a Saturday at 5am and lets his mother know by bellowing “BLUMPH GAW, BLUMPH GAW”. His mother falls out of bed and […]

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Toddler Free Timetable 

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At five o’clock grandmother to toddler darkens your door, out of the blue, to insist she takes child off your exhausted, inadequate mother hands as she is concerned he is bored out of his tiny mind spending all his time in his magical terraced tower of toys/ CBeebies and undivided mummy attention (and the poor […]

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Then and Now

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 Now you are two but then, then you were nought you’ll never understand, the joy you have brought then you couldn’t hold up your own head then you slept next to me in my big bed then we didn’t know how to change your nappy then we didn’t know how to make you happy now […]