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Why your friend with a new born didn’t text you back

I saw you both, from the buggy area on the train; Scarborough bound. I put you both at around eighteen – or at least that stage in your life where nothing sags, everything is pert, and you can rock a tattoo like the one you had, of a busty burlesque girl on your calf, and […]

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Children, in twenty years, guess who’s coming for dinner? 

Sons, I want you to prepare yourself for your father and I coming to dinner in around twenty years time (or whenever you hopefully move out). I’ll ring ahead of time and insist you make my favourite – lasagne – from scratch, and your dad’s favourite – apple crumble. As soon as we arrive your […]

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How to spot your mummy soulmate 

Lonely is a word often used when describing being a new mum but a word is just a word. Often I think “lonely” doesn’t do it justice. I thought that having a child would mean my lonely days would be over. I have a partner too! All the things we assume will make us “whole”. […]

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Antisocial Mum of two found dehydrated in sauna

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As the late great M.J once sang “Just leave me alone.” This is my current theme tune. Boy one (two and a half) is abnormally ecstatic to exist and on the cusp of full on language but not coherent sentences which renders him similar to a mini french shouty man who follows me about the house […]

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Squat Thrusting across the universe 

As my baby gets tubby and chunky it becomes apparent that so is his mummy and so the decision is made to get back on the pain wagon that is ‘the gym’. It doesn’t bode well for me that the ten minute walk there has me panting… and sweating … and needing to stop for […]

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Breeding Love : Romance after children

Oh I don’t begrudge you, couples. When I see you all loved up, holding hands, making moon eyes at each other, holding me up in the Krispy Kreme queue. You can have your romance. You can have your pre children moments – just as I did. But just heed me this – if you choose […]

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I’d be sexy if … 

I’d be sexy if it weren’t for these nipple pads right now, no amount of make up can get rid of these bags. I’d be sexy if it weren’t for the scar and the overhang my big baggy pants and my nursing bra. I’d be sexy in skinny jeans without the outline of my maternity […]

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The Short waddle of freedom 

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What does a condemned woman do in her last hours of freedom? Condemned in so much as in two days she will be the mother of not only a toddler… but also a new born baby; a mother of two boys, and therefore, probably not be able to leave the house until 2017. Yesterday, two […]

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Boil in the bag baby – why being heavily pregnant and a heat wave don’t ruddy mix

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There are certain things that go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong- wine and cheese, shoes and socks, olives and wine, buckets and spades, most things with wine actually – being heavily pregnant and a heatwave… oh no, Wait. Not that one. Come to think of it. While you are all posting […]

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The Wild Life 

We don’t see many animals in the city where we are tense, in our terrace filled with years consumed with breeding rearing earning cleaning lack of sleeping worrying. So, we go to the country We see baby pheasants rabbits, ducks and swans sheep, cows and lambs. The only wildlife you’ll find at home Is a […]