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I’d be sexy if … 

I’d be sexy if it weren’t for these nipple pads right now, no amount of make up can get rid of these bags. I’d be sexy if it weren’t for the scar and the overhang my big baggy pants and my nursing bra. I’d be sexy in skinny jeans without the outline of my maternity […]

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Frogs, C$cks and Focks!

Our toddler decided to start talking at approximately two years and four months. It was quite a shock. We were worried about his limited vocabulary of ‘frog’ and ‘Dadda’ (not interchangeable) when we took a little trip to the country and one morning, out of literally nowhere he counted to ten! I’d like to take […]

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I am the boob hostage

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I am the boob hostage I have been clamped it’s been six days now and I’m forever getting cramp don’t underestimate my captor though small He holds great power and I’ve been stuck here for fecking hours his list of demands reads only two every time I try to escape his siren sounds He wants […]

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The ‘New Mum Land’ that time forgot

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Being a new mum is daunting – but I knew the second time must be much easier – after all, this is not my first time at the rodeo. Two and a half years ago I had been a new new mum and there wasn’t anything that could surprise me about it now. And as […]

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Dear Precious First Born, we have something to tell you… 

Dear precious first born, there is something pressing we need to discuss with you.  I write this on the eve of a fairly important event. You see, someone is arriving tomorrow – someone who you’re going to be spending a lot of time with – like it or not.     I know you’re young […]

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The Short waddle of freedom 

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What does a condemned woman do in her last hours of freedom? Condemned in so much as in two days she will be the mother of not only a toddler… but also a new born baby; a mother of two boys, and therefore, probably not be able to leave the house until 2017. Yesterday, two […]

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Minuscule moments off from being his mum

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My toddler loves his grandparents. What’s not to like? They pretty much let him get away with anything. They never tell him off, they don’t instil discipline, they give him lovely food (which he doesn’t have to eat if he doesn’t want to) they spend all their energy taking him to parks and he always […]

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Boil in the bag baby – why being heavily pregnant and a heat wave don’t ruddy mix

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There are certain things that go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong- wine and cheese, shoes and socks, olives and wine, buckets and spades, most things with wine actually – being heavily pregnant and a heatwave… oh no, Wait. Not that one. Come to think of it. While you are all posting […]