An open ‘Shit I’m sorry (apology)’ to parents everywhere : I thought my child would be different

I thought there were no shit children

– only shite parents.

I thought it was your fault.

I thought being a parent was easy peasy

and I would be amazing at it.


I couldn’t understand why anyone would moan.

I thought Stay at home parents had it the easiest.

I imagined you all there,

sipping tea in your slippers

watching daytime TV.


I thought a child would eat exactly what they were given.

I said they’d eat once they were hungry.

I would not feed them crap to placate them. 10993071_513354418802763_6241196166029204817_n I said I would not bend or mould to suit them –

they would have to suit me.

I would be no slave to no child!

Hell no!

I would not change one bit.

I would instil discipline,


and manners

in the little shits. 10978577_513353938802811_8583286294457871201_n My child would never disobey.

My child would never make us a spectacle.

When I saw a child lying like a dead weight at a parent’s feet I thought they must be a bad mum, a useless dad.

I shook my head at noisy children in restaurants.

“Why would you bring a child here?” I’d mutter.

10474147_524237914381080_2311071368760440975_nI wouldn’t smile.

You ruined my lunch.

I never understood why you’d moan about lack of sleep.

It can’t be that bad people!

You can sleep when you’re dead. 10441533_430346680436871_4326462614537855421_n-2 My children would watch hardly any TV.

My children would only eat sugar free,

we would all be strictly Über healthy.

My children would say please and thank you.

My children would never scream, wail or cry.

My children would be so perfect

– they’d be on the bloody news! 10462583_408498079288398_1790252617808502918_nI thought if a child hit,


or bit  – they had seen that sort of behaviour at home (hmmhmmm)

I thought they had been dragged up.

My child would never do that. 10559799_419626014842271_5691012200272341017_nI vowed they would never have a tantrum.

Only terrible parents bred terrible kids

who would lie on the floor and scream and not be simply reasonable.

Me? I would never lose my temper.

I would never lose my cool.

I wouldn’t need to drink.
I would be the bigger person.

I would be the best parent in the world.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. 474973_258850364253171_87121198_o copy And as another friend weeps to me,

the third one in a week that there is no let up, that they can’t cope,

that they are just not cut out for this

– I give them advice, though we know not what we do.

as another friend tells me they would happily swap their child today for a Big Mac.

as I sob on the phone to my own mum,

like I’m six,

pleading with her that

I can’t ‘parent’ anymore
I slap myself off that high horse I sat on, haughtily, for years.

Shit, I was wrong folks,

I’m really sorry man. photo-4

and don’t for one second think we don’t love them,

that we don’t understand our luck,

that they don’t make us supremely happy, fulfilled.

Don’t think we take them for granted. We don’t!

We would die for our kids

If they don’t kill us first.

But it’s fucking hard

It’s not as any of us expected it would be,

and I was so, so wrong.

and Shit, I’m Sorry.

I apologiseSHUTUP






5 thoughts on “An open ‘Shit I’m sorry (apology)’ to parents everywhere : I thought my child would be different

  1. Right there with you! This parenting malarkey is hard. And we haven’t even reached the 1st birthday yet. I am actually moving my family over several continents just to be closer to my mum and dad to get a little help occasionally.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a great post. I have to admit that I was still quite a smug parent until number four came along!!
    The others only ever had the normal issues you expect from any child, bit number four has turned my world upside down and reduced me to tears many times. If he wasn’t the spitting image do his Dad I would have been back to the hospital demanding they must have given me the wrong child! X

    Liked by 1 person

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