In a B&B room,
up on the eighth floor
(with no lift),
on the top of a cliff in Scarborough
(Trip Advisor didn’t mention the cliff!),
a toddler awakes from his slumber
on a Saturday at 5am
and lets his mother know by bellowing “BLUMPH GAW, BLUMPH GAW”.
His mother falls out of bed and leaps to work trying to shhhh the toddler but the toddler doesn’t understand sshhhh yet and she can practically hear her neighbours tutting in their beds…..
What’s in your mouth? What have you put in your mouth?….
So you liberate him from the travel cot and watch him bound about the hotel room looking for hazardous items.
He’s going for the kettle….
now he’s going for the toilet brush…
now he’s going for the lampshade…
Dear God! What is in your hand? What is in your hand?
and you realise you have completely run out of nappies.
You try to fashion one out of tissue and feminine hygiene products but you soon realise after ten minutes that Bear Grylls you are not.
So you tape and plug him up and take him down the eight flights to the ground floor. And you wheel him to the local shop and you frantically push on the door before noticing the sign “Open at 7am”.
You wheel him about the empty streets praying he won’t defecate.
A few strangers nod at you and you know you haven’t done your hair or make up and you’re not wearing a bra and you must look terrifically shocking. But you happen upon a crazy golf course but you’d have to be dangerously crazy to be up this early on a Saturday morning at the seaside so it’s deserted. So you free him from his buggy and watch him stampede about the course.
You’re back outside the shop at 6.59am and you get your nappies.
You wheel him back up the cliff to the b&b. You take him out of the buggy and carry him up the eight flights of stairs. You strip off and both get in the shower. And disaster is averted. He’s clean and in a fresh nappy. You are thoroughly exhausted, sweating, deflated.
You sit in a crumpled heap on the floor in the corner watching him thrash around.
He picks up a ‘Revel’ that you dropped last night.
It might be a coffee one…. but you haven’t the energy to take it out of his mouth.
You realise you left your debit card in the card machine in the shop.
It is 7.20am.
Your partner calls : “Hello darling, are the two of you having a nice ‘break’?
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