Here you are Gwyneth,
Here are some recipes I highly recommend for pregnant beast ladies everywhere, when a sprig of asparagus and a boiled egg just won’t do.
1. The Food of The Gods
Spaghetti Hoops (whole tin),
Three slices of white bread,
block of cheddar cheese.
Recipe: Toast three pieces of bread while spaghetti hoops are in the microwave (three mins on FULL POWER). Toaster on next to lowest setting. Smother toast in real butter. Place two pieces on plate (cut into two triangles – or whatever your personal preference). Pour hoops on top. Put sliced cheddar cheese on top and place back into microwave for one minute on FULL POWER to melt the cheese. Place remaining slices of toast around plate.
Devour. Serve with hot cup of tea.
Tuna (whole tin)
salad cream (full fat)
salt and vinegar crisps
Recipe: Mix tuna with three tablespoons of salad cream. Butter bread. place tuna mixture over. Add sliced cucumber. Cut into two rectangles (or whatever your personal preference). Add crisps and Ninky Nonk.
Swallow. Serve with hot cup of tea. The ‘surprise’ element is that this is your breakfast at 8am.
Whole pre-made packet of cauliflower cheese
Two frozen yorkshire puddings
Potatoes (10), carrots (3) and parsnips (4)
Recipe: Put all the stuff in trays. Preferably disposable trays. Smother veg in fat. Cook it all in oven. Place on mahousive plate. Smother in gravy. Use two plates.
Recipe: put on plate.
Eat with hands. Serve with hot tea.
All the biscuits
Recipe: put on plate (or any surface)
Gobble. And repeat.
My cookery book should be in all good retailers in time for Christmas.
Gwyneth, you are welcome.
Lots of love, Pregnant Beast Lady x
Right – now I’m off to steam my vagina.
Disclaimer: This is obviously a piss take – and I really am a big fan (I have your book for when I am not ‘Up The Spout’)
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