Dear Gwyneth, about your breakfast… 

Here you are Gwyneth,

Here are some recipes I highly recommend for pregnant beast ladies everywhere, when a sprig of asparagus and a boiled egg just won’t do.

1. The Food of The Gods spaghoops

Spaghetti Hoops (whole tin),
Three slices of white bread,
Real butter,
block of cheddar cheese.

Recipe: Toast three pieces of bread while spaghetti hoops are in the microwave (three mins on FULL POWER). Toaster on next to lowest setting. Smother toast in real butter. Place two pieces on plate (cut into two triangles – or whatever your personal preference). Pour hoops on top. Put sliced cheddar cheese on top and place back into microwave for one minute on FULL POWER to melt the cheese. Place remaining slices of toast around plate.

Devour. Serve with hot cup of tea.

2. Tuna Surprisetuna2

Tuna (whole tin)
cucumber (half)
salad cream (full fat)
white bread
real butter
salt and vinegar crisps

Recipe: Mix tuna with three tablespoons of salad cream. Butter bread. place tuna mixture over. Add sliced cucumber. Cut into two rectangles (or whatever your personal preference). Add crisps and Ninky Nonk.

Swallow. Serve with hot cup of tea. The ‘surprise’ element is that this is your breakfast at 8am.

3. Full Roastroast

Whole Chicken
Whole pre-made packet of cauliflower cheese
Two frozen yorkshire puddings
Assorted veg
Instant gravy
Potatoes (10), carrots (3) and parsnips (4)
cooking fat/oil

Recipe: Put all the stuff in trays. Preferably disposable trays. Smother veg in fat. Cook it all in oven. Place on mahousive plate. Smother in gravy. Use two plates.


4. Cakecake2


Recipe: put on plate.

Eat with hands. Serve with hot tea.

5. Retro Biscuitsbiscuit

All the biscuits

Recipe: put on plate (or any surface)

Gobble. And repeat.

My cookery book should be in all good retailers in time for Christmas.

Gwyneth, you are welcome.

Lots of love, Pregnant Beast Lady x

Right – now I’m off to steam my vagina.

Disclaimer:  This is obviously a piss take – and I really am a big fan (I have your book for when I am not ‘Up The Spout’)


If you like this post please come and find me at my new blog –

and my Facebook page – Mummy’s Writing, Darling

Twitter – @sivitersteph





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s