- Parenting Hack 1 : Cleaning
Your hoover nozzle is now your best friend. Use it to clean floors, tables, kitchen counters, plates, the inside of your fridge (not a euphemism), kitchen cupboards, the tray at the bottom of the toaster, mattresses, clothes, the bath, the garden and your toddler. Make sure he/she is holding tightly onto something and that you have it on the strongest setting.
- Parenting Hack 2: Laundry
Have a washing bin in every room. It will stop you from leaving mountains of clothes on the floor at the end of a long day. You will also. realistically, need the space of about five laundry bins. When visitors come, these bins can be used to throw clean clothes (you haven’t had time to put away) and dirty plates/ cups/ pets/ children in.
- Parenting Hack 3: Litter
Have a small rubbish bin in every room. You will need these for the amount of tissues, baby wipes, and crusts of toast you will acquire. You can also discard of dirty nappies in these (NOT THE POOP ONES – these should be run out of the house by your partner, triple wrapped in a carrier bag, and put straight into the incinerator – or hung near your door to stave off foxes, vampires and burglars.
- Parenting Hack 4: Cosmetics
Baby wipes are now your lover. Use them as make up removers, poo removers (from you and your child), snot removers (general bodily fluid cleaners), furniture polish and a replacement for showers, baths, deodorants and general civilisation.
- Parenting Hack 5: Cosmetics Continued…
I always find, in emergencies, that a very bright red lipstick disguises bad hair, make-up, weight fluctuations, moustaches and side burns. Make sure it is in a shade that doesn’t quite suit you. It will be all anyone notices about you – and make you look a little bit crackers, which will save you time having to chat to people on public transport.
- Parenting Hack 6: Fashion
Buy flannel shirts. You’ll look vaguely ‘down with the kids’ and like you’re purposely doing a ‘look’. The pattern disguises aforementioned bodily fluids and your whole lumberjack demeanour will be passed off as a busy mum who isn’t shallow enough to care about fashion – even though you no longer give a crap.
- Parenting Hack 7: Fashion Continued
Unless you are leaving the house to a location where you will need to remove your coat, don’t bother with bras. It’ll save time. Pants are also not needed anymore. Because you no longer give a crap.
- Parenting Hack 8: Food
Always carry a packet of biscuits upon your person for snackage and child bribes. Carry a secondary container of grapes to get out if you are in full glare of other parents, strangers and health visitors: like a fake wallet. The grapes can be made out of plastic (prop grapes if you will) – which might mean your child is more likely to eat them.
- Parenting Hack 9: Toddler fashion
Buy a set of trouser braces. These are terribly cute and smarten up any outfit – including tracksuit bottoms. It will also disguise the fact that your child’s clothes don’t fit as they’ve been washed 8756 times and the elastic is redundant – as well as the truth that he’s wearing an outfit for a three year old (and he’s two) which you bought as part of a ‘bundle’ (made up of 23 outfits) on eBay for £1.50.
- Parenting Hack 10: Toddler Hygiene
Bathe child in a plastic box, approx. £2.00, in front of the tv, in the living room. This will save money on fancy baby baths and keep your bath clean. Throw in dirty crockery. Get the toddler to earn his keep. Don’t say I never give you anything. Also – you no longer give a crap.
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